Player Profile: Joel Bitonio G/T

It's kind of funny to think about, but when I think of my offensive linemen I like to think of dancing ballerinas. Like if you would picture that, it would make you be in a happy place [bc it is hilarious] and then you can make an informed decision. Because nothing pisses me off more than missing on an offensive linemen for whatever the reason: likes too much eat less play, pure laziness, I eat too much and my knees, bending, back, any bullshit for the reason that these guys fail to do the damn job. The real reason is because your weight isn't distributed properly you lazy fuck and your knees can't support it, yet, if the whole body would have added strength properly distributed it would be possible to be without pain, as I've seen it before. Okay, thank you captain dietician. But if I think you can move around and dance, then you're not going to fail me in the 4th quarter because of some word called FATIGUE. Likes what does that even mean. I need you to be nimble and on your feet and ready to go all damn day, because that is what a ballerina can do. At the end of the day, they are athletic and you need to have athletic linemen, especially with the specimens they have on the defensive side of the ball these days. The ballerinas help me remember that.

Joel Bitonio
Nevada

Height: 193.6 cm
Weight: 21.5 stone

Mini Chalk: This guy probably in the mold of a guard than a tackle because he is like a walking penguin out there flailing his arms. I'm not anti-lumberjack or anything, as long as you can get through the ballerina routine than I don't care what you look like but this guy offers minimal flexibility, although playing at the tackle position his entire career. On the inside, his numbers are right in line with the guards of the NFL today. This guy has a mean streak, like nasty. Like he would kick my ass, and I'm about 14.5 stone, if he read what I said about him.


Player comp: run-of-the-mill Big Ten Guard

Robert Herron --> Steve Smith (Carolina)

I guess you have to throw that Carolina on the end of Steve Smith. Shows that the name hasn't been that great that another could easily be confused. Hmm, sad. Anyway, that doesn't tell the story of Robert Herron. He can become the next in that Victor Cruz-Steve Smith where they have a five year terror on the league. He is a small school kid but not with small time skills. He is an electric playmaker, one many probably don't know about. He is a possession guy underneath. Well, let me say that again. You want to use this guy like Antonio Brown, Steve Smith. Dinky more or less extended hand-offs, screens, slants, curls, and those routes. Yet, this guy can beat you deep like Cruz and Steve Smith, once again. He has very good route running and move making in selling his body to the corner. You know what I mean. A little shimmy, and the guy is grabbing his jockstrap going how did he do that. That's the kind of guy I would expect with Robert Herron. The problem is there are so many of these guys. I just feel bad for teams that miss at wide receiver, like come on, what the fuck are you watching. I will make an elite wide receiving core from every draft. Just using that draft. No excuse not to be rich at the wide receiver position.

Robert Herron
Wyoming

Height: 175.5 cm
Weight: 13.7 stone

Speed: 4.28

Electric

Player comp: Steve Smith, Wide Receiver

Larry Webster --> Jimmy Graham

Ahh, so you wanna hear about Lair? What you know bout Lair? Nothing. No one knows nothing about Lair. They know so very little, they got the cat playing defense. Think about that. Just chasing quarterbacks, instead of catching passes. Think about everything I just said with Larry Fitzgerald in your mind, instead of this man foreign to you. It wouldn't make any sense. Hopefully, you are welcome, Larry Webster. These fools are idiots.

Larry Webster
Bloomsburg University

Height: 197 cm
Weight: 18 stone

2012

This kid really deserves a cover story. An interview. But we got resource issues. No funding. Just a genius behind the wheel of glory. Okay, this is young Larold, a few years back as a basketball player. See where I am going. Now, I am pro-conspiracy, like House of Cards, I believe people can be inherently evil with an agenda and find a way to cover themselves because of power and greed. Now, you don't believe in conspiracy just for the sake of conspiracy. Kinda like of the mindset of being against hipsters. A hipster tries something new, just for the sake of trying something new. I don't know. Just something I thought about earlier.

Point being did they put this clown at defense to sabotage him or are they just that dumb down in Bloomsburg University. The picture becomes more clear when you say that over, over, over, and over again. Bloomsburg University. What state is that in? You know what? It doesn't matter. It is irrelevant. They are that dumb.

I put the kid in a basketball uniform from his days on the team to show you something that no one else will show you. The ability to not be blind. If you see him in his uniform you'll think something different but you see where I'm going with basketball player ... NFL ... as I salivate like a dog with a piece of meat hanging from the counter dripping on his nose.

You look at this kid in any way from his numbers and they are completely off the charts. One of the reasons I love the Jimmy Graham comparison is because is if a team is smart they will gobble this kid up in the 3rd round compensatory round, much around the area a young Jimmy Graham went. Jimmy Graham, the 100M dollar man I might mind, but we'll see if the franchise tagging of the NFL denies him his big deal. It pisses me off when I have to check him [Larry Webster] and I look under tight end, I don't see him, I have to look under defensive line. These people should be shot or just let the other farm animals run the team. Hell, the goat can be the mayor.

Quick Chalk: Okay, arms, long, but not gorilla long. Hands, nice paws. Speed right in line with top flight tight ends of the game today. Strength given arm length decent for right now. I would imagine room to grow. Seems like a strapping young lad. Never met the guy tho. Vertical jump very good given other variables gives him quite the advantage over his competition every Sunday. Broad jump shows good explosion given a man of his size. Explosion not completely off the charts, but given his background in basketball you can understand it is quite good.

Player comp: Jimmy Graham, Tight End

maybe you'll find out in comparison what stone and centimeters is tall and strong, relatively speaking

Deone Bucannon --> Brian Dawkins

Personally, this is my kinda guy. This guy might eat his children. No, Mike Tyson might be the only one to be able to do that. Good God. But he is a high intensity, high motor, high character, high determination, high leadership kinda guy. Basically, meaning I like him a lot. He gets great marks on production, something I rarely check on as it is more about what you can do, not necessarily what you've done. He has good speed for the safety position and is the top strong safety in this class. Find me another one and sir you are gravely mistaken. He will lay the lumper but, yet, he is deer-like in the secondary after he intercepts the pass. His side to side quickness in short areas is that of a cornerback, which is just stupid, given his demeanor and way he plays the game. He plays the game with a lot of passion, which is a desirable trait. He is also very humble which is another positive quality, well, it definitely can't be a disaster negative so there is no personality issues is what I'm saying, which is underrated as everything could be right and that could fuck it up.

Deone Bucannon
Washington State

Height: 185 cm
Weight: 15 stone

Player comp: Brian Dawkins, Strong Safety

 ..... nothing special, just chilling

Jimmie Ward --> Jairus Byrd

If you are into player comparisons, which everyone is, than you are looking at a Jairus Byrd type investment. Not the biggest safety, but there is room to grow, and he has that adequate speed quotient to play in the league. He is more adept in pass coverage, which is where the league has been heading for sometime so his value is greatly increased. Still under the radar for some reason. Oh yeah, he play at Northern Illinois. That will stop some of the lazier teams in the scouting department and slips through the finger of the Mel Kiper's of the world. Why don't teams gobble up these guys as they have third round grades.

Jimmie Ward

Northern Illinois

Height: 175 cm

Weight: 13.5 stone

Player comp: Jairus Byrd - Free Safety

Mr. GQ 2014 -- Blake Bortles

Blake is going to win this award for multiple reasons and reeling in Lindsey Duke has a lot of reasons to do with that. Good work Blake. Stud. I love Blake Bortles. I don't know what else to say. He's the perfect type of QB you want to build around in today's game. He extends plays and while doing so, he is looking for the big play downfield. The heymaker to knock out your opponent and make them feel defeated.

The real reason Blake gets this award is because it is never about the ceiling with owners and teams. They hold a pessimistic view and want to know what is the least I'm going to get out of this guy. That's why the Mr. GQ award stands for good quality. Who I'm going to get at worst quality production out of this guy. At the quarterback position, this increases the value even more as good QBs are some of the toughest guys to find. The worst I could possibly see Blake Bortles is being a top 10 QB in the NFL and like a B rating, in relative terms. He should throw for at least 3,400 yards and 25 TDs and possibly running 5 TDs in his early years, much like Ben Roethlisberger.

I would have Blake Bortles as the top prospect this year but I view Jadeveon Clowney as a once in 15 years kind of prospect, like a Jevon Kearse. The debate in my head of a Clowney-Bortles is mind-boggling. It's like you can't go wrong. Yet, some have failed before. The Texans should consider three players for that first pick and it should be Clowney, Bortles, and Bridgewater. Noting how he might be a Texas guy but you bring bust to the party if you bring Johnny Manziel in consideration to be with the other three players for consideration for that top pick. The question would be do they value a franchise QB more than a premium pass rusher. I take the pass rusher because I think I can win with an average QB ... like Russell Wilson

Blake Bortles QB
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 232

Supposed Concerns: cheating on Lindsey Duke

Grade: 8.5/10 [Perennial All-Pro]

Mock Draft 1.0

No trades to simplify everything because I like certain guys and every pick would end up being swapped. This is who I take and is by no means who I think they take.

1) Houston Texans -- Jadeveon Clowney DE
2) St. Louis Rams -- Blake Bortles QB
3) Jacksonville Jaguars -- Teddy Bridgewater QB
4) Cleveland Browns -- Khalil Mack OLB
5) Oakland Raiders -- Sammy Watkins WR
6) Atlanta Falcons -- Greg Robinson OT
7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Eric Ebron TE
8) Minnesota Vikings -- Justin Gilbert CB
9) Buffalo Bills -- Anthony Barr OLB
10) Detroit Lions -- Kelvin Benjamin WR
11) Tennessee Titans -- Jake Matthews OT
12) New York Giants -- Darqueze Dennard CB
13) St. Louis Rams -- Taylor Lewan OT [go WR round two]
14) Chicago Bears -- Aaron Donald DT
15) Pittsburgh Steelers -- Jerry Ricecake WR St. Cloud State
16) Dallas Cowboys -- Mike Evans WR
17) Baltimore Ravens -- Marqise Lee WR
18) New York Jets -- CJ Mosley LB
19) Miami Dolphins -- Haha Clinton-Dix S [can get OL later]
20) Arizona Cardinals -- Ryan Shazier LB
21) Green Bay Packers -- Louis Nix III NT
22) Philadelphia Eagles -- Calvin Pryor S
23) Kansas City Chiefs -- Odell Beckham Jr WR
24) Cincinnati Bengals -- Kyle Fuller CB
25) San Diego Chargers -- Brandin Cooks WR
26) Cleveland Browns -- Johnny Manziel QB
27) New Orleans Saints -- Timmy Jernigan DT
28) Carolina Panthers -- Cyrus Kouandijo OT
29) New England Patriots -- RaShede Hageman DE
30) San Francisco 49ers -- Martavis Bryant WR
31) Denver Broncos -- Dee Ford DE
32) Seattle Seahawks -- Xavier Su'a-Filo G